lost in thought

Jaska Ilmarinen
Age of 18
London

Thick fog was once again flirting with the starless night. It was not late yet, maybe the clock had just hit 9 or 10 but it definitely didn't give an early nights impression either. If you were to look out from the window, you could easily see Baroque style built houses, small shanties, whores, beggars and just random people. Jaska would think to himself that those people would never see what he sees because of their selfishness and blindness. They would just look out and complain that the houses have such windows that looks like a churches, that the whores are disgusting and say that, everything in the world was adapted to block them during their ways of goals. If it were one or two years ago, he also would think those but instead of doing anything to prevent that, he would also spend his money on good wine, beautiful women, a smile on his lips which would look like it's about to fade and he would also say he has everything he could ask for. Though it would be an obvious lie, it was enough to keep him entertained and put his consciousness at ease. However, right now, we could easily say that he has changed. What made this change happen was his realization on that, the Creator had given him a sight that belongs to 18th century and the feeling of abandoning it rather than accepting. As a young man he is, he worked on every single one of his actions again and again, with the help of the will he gained from his desire for forbidden. He first had tasted the forbidden during his early years, with Mithra, with his love and could never let that go. It was so, he learned living with it for so long that it actually became a part of him and he searched for such lack of emotion everywhere. He had had different women, from aristocratic daughters to the dirtiest you could imagine, he had also spoken and tried to break boundaries on his sight on men, except that he failed doing so and only now, after such experiences he could realize that physical contact or satisfaction was never what took his interest. He remembered his aunt, Maija, who had let him touch her but would also punish him highly for not taking her as the 'woman' she is. That was two years ago and she was still the only one to step on his ego. As also a heir with power, Jaska Ilmarinen barely had seen any barricades on his way. He was realizing now that what made a person, themselves and made them special, attractive is actually the way their mind is. Although it also would be wrong to say that he knew so much about feelings in general. The only person who he had let to get close to him was his own sister, who is now dead. After her, he would only use people and never show what he hides underneath. But now, Jaska had to let a piece of him go, in order to become a man because he was simply extremely inexperienced and ignorant. He was smart and things that were stuck in his mind would never be considered 'normal', which was the source of his problem.

His pale colored fingers ran on the paintings he had done and his facial expression showed a sign of unsatisfaction. *How odd* he thought. *Everything I have done so far was enough, because I would be the one doing it. Why do they show such uninspiring feelings to me now?* Narcissistic, he could be called. Until now, every one of his creations would be perfect to him, no flaws he would say and walk with his shoulders behind, so full of himself. But right now, even he was aware that the part of his mind which he could barely decipher was saying the reverse of that. He stood up more on his leather chair, tried to get everything away from his mind. Jaska, was taking place in an office, which was decorated with the colors brown and white and had nothing of interest in it. A large desk made out of tree of rose, Sevr vases with various oriental ornaments on it, a window without curtains and lots of different paintings on the floor. The paintings went from only shadows to different colours, every kind of shapes, colours that reflected his inner worlds complexity. And he was sitting there, shining with his broken white skin, platinum hair and his acid green eyes that sparkled with wisdom and a pristine feeling. The eyes that he was proud of, because they were the only things that seperated him from other men and named with 'thin detail which goes well with the inner rules.' He had a steel blue shirt on him, which barely protected from the Scandinavian winds he brought along with him. Though he did not know when was the last time he visited Helsinki, he was sure that he attracted unholy spirits from there eventually. Jaska's eyes locked on to Virgin Mary statue on the desk with such thought, ironic, he named this.

When the door was opened, it also took his whole attention. A woman with black hair, blue eyes and a square face entered the room and stood at the other side of the desk. Josefiina Ilmarinen, one of Jaska's mistakes was now here. This woman was not always called by his surname, in fact, they shared no blood. They had met during the school, during midnight, when he was reading in the library, in front of the fireplace and when she had found a shortcut to his location. He still doesn't know whether or not her reasoning was hiding things but I would say that he also stopped caring as well. And when she had found him, just sitting there, sending every single fragment of his mind away, she was afraid to get any closer. Yet she did and sat next to him. Started watching him and his every move, sometimes would dare to touch him or rest her head on his chest. However being so blind by his status, he refused to acknowledge her existence until she actually started speaking. A sinner whore mothers virgin daughter, she was. Her name was "Irja Järvinen" or so she told him along with many other things. She told him everything about her and ended her words by saying that she had a huge interest in him. And it was one of the moments Jaska did not think throughly and promised her to protect her, take care of her and said that she could carry his name without any doubts. Josefiina only looked at him, astonished and laughed. She had said that the only way she could carry such thing without a shame would be when their blood was mixed. And with those words, Jaska cut his arm and poured it into a glass and gave it to her as a gift.

She did not only have an interested but also was fond of him, highly. For her, everything he does would count as such beautiful thing. He knew these things, tried to appreciate and somewhat tried give her even more of that. The woman with rough and cold face lines did not like his attempt, however. That also was a while ago. She would have left if she could, she would have if she did not know Jaska was not a fool who was afraid of being alone. Josefiina knew many things about him but none of them held so much importance. She just knew that she had to be there for him. And in return, Jaska left her untouched, he did not desire her or try to make an attempt. She was still very much of a virgin and he gave her the privilege to keep it, by denying her.
Since he knew that he had to say something, or do something, he put a smile to his lips and spoke with a soft tone. "Welcome."